Just Bonus

As a parent of a special needs child, I find myself quite regularly overwhelmed. Knocked down by all the craziness and the drama. Exhausted by the neverending-ness of it all. It’s like running a race to a finish line that doesn’t exist yet.

I know I’m not alone. Some of you special parents out there struggle with the same kind of battles like myself (ADHD, SPD), or with ASD, other disabilities, or chronic, debilitating medical issues. We may have different kind of wars, but the fight’s very similar. 

Sometimes the things that burden you the most are the mounting, daily “small” things that you can’t even begin to explain to people who’s never been there. But I get that. I really do. Same as you, I’m running that race too.

Sometimes knowing or reading/watching about those people “who made it” and radiantly won the war is encouraging, inspiring even. Some other times it makes you down right envious, especially if it seems like you’re nowhere near winning your own war.

After all these therapy sessions, evaluation, having so called experts judging telling me what I do wrong with my parenting, the diet, the exercises, the being shield for my son (in such a way that I often end up being victimized), the being judged that my parenting caused my son’s problems, etc., naturally, I expect some “result”.  Some kind of a reward in the form of my son’s improvement. It’d fuel us to keep going, or be a nice clue that tells us we’re going in the right direction. And when result is nowhere to be found, I got discouraged. Sometimes I got as low as blaming myself for not fighting hard enough or not being a good enough parent or not loving enough or not etc etc enough. 

But today God whispered to me that such improvement is just the bonus, not the main prize.

My calling is to nurture this child God has “loaned” me. 

To keep sowing the seeds faithfully and move forward, albeit in tears. 

To keep running the race to the finish line. 

There, the main prize is already waiting for me: the crown that the Lord promised for His faithful servants, and Jesus’ warm greeting, “Welcome home, My child, well done...”

I may or may not get the “bonus” this side of heaven. God never promised that all my labor will pay off in my walk on this earth. Even Moses, after 40 years of leading a desert trek, did NOT get to the promised land, he was only allowed to see it from afar. 

So if I get to see my bonus, that would be a wonderful privilege. But if I don’t, I want to choose not to make a big deal out of it. 

It’s the main prize that I aim for. That’s why I’ll keep running the race.

See you all at the finish line.

“But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. ... I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day – and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for His appearing.” 

2 Timothy 4:5, 7-8