Or is it thirst?
Of longing for something for so long.
When you finally get it, you thought you’d savor it until you’re satisfied.
Or nearly satisfied.
But then when it came, you only got a sip of it, and long before you’re anywhere near satisfied, it’s gone again, left you longing for it even worse.
I dunno which is worse: the not having or the having but not enough.
The longing or the having it taken away from you so shortly after you think the longing had ended, thus the second longing, only more desperate.
Even a child knows how that feels.
In his innocent ways he tried to cope, to comprehend, to overcome the agony of it all.
He counted down to the time when his longing would end. Right when it did end, temporarily as it was, he rejoiced his heart off. Ecstatic without suspecting that he’d soon fall into it again. And when he inevitably did fall into that longing, the more desperate second longing, his young mind was blown up.
He couldn’t yet understand that we human being have this mechanism called drawing back. It is curling for comfort in that quiet little corner, so that whatever hurt you can’t easily hurt you again. A child doesn’t know enough to draw back. At least not at this point.
So the child chose to be patient. To patiently wait, expecting this second longing would not be as agonizing as the first one. He didn’t realize that he had that wound from the first longing, fresh and unhealed. He didn’t realize that expecting would potentially give him another fresh wound, more painful than the first, because it would make two wounds now.
So, expectantly, second after second, he nails his mind onto what he was longing for.
Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours. Now he felt it, a sting of pain. He had such elaborate vision of the things he wanted to do when what he longed for came. He begin to think that his vision may not all come to be. Some of them would, but surely not all of them. So he better learn to prioritize. To first do what he most want to, before he misses that chance for good.
In a matter of hours, with his coping mechanism, he gained what normally takes years: maturity, wisdom, reality check. But lost some along the way: some sense of security, some trust, some childhood innocence.
Some adults simply chose to cope by drawing back to avoid more wounds, if the old ones can’t be healed. Especially if the old ones can’t be healed or unhealed yet.
So was that all because of this: GREED?
Or was it a normal thirst? A thirst so perpetually unquenched that it turned into greed?
And thus, ungratefulness?
Here’s what God told me through Nancy’s teaching:
Just like this verse:
Thus my breakthrough moment came. With one brief and simple sentence.
That’s how my awesome God works :)
I wrote the above post a few weeks ago.
It never occured to me that I will be put to the test over this exact same lesson so soon.
I hope this time I'll pass the test, instead of repeatedly stumbling over the same issues.
My God is patient and faithful, but I need to put my lessons into daily practice.
Relying on God's strength instead of my own isn't as simple as saying it.
It's high time to actually do it.